My Hair Is Finally Growing Back!

I suffered from postpartum hair loss. I mean I really suffered! My hairline was completely destroyed. It thinned out considerably around 4 months postpartum and it was VERY noticeable, at least to me. I didn't even want to wear my hair up because it was just so thin in the front! But now as I approach the 7 months postpartum mark, my hair is growing back. I was getting scared that it wouldn't grow back and that I would have to cut my locks off and start off from scratch! So now I can wear my ponytails and buns with confidence. I was getting sick of wearing my hair down. I have noticed thinning all over my head but I have decided to not worry about it since my hair is in fact growing back. So now that that situation is under control, I need to get this weight situation under control. It's hard to admit but I have actually gained like 8 pounds since my little one was born! I weigh about the same that I did when I graduated college but I am very disappointed in myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body. But I have decided enough is enough. Now that my little one is sleeping better at night, I need to force myself to get up at 6 in the morning and put in some time at the gym. It is pretty intimidating going back. I just feel like after being such a gym rat before, going back so completely out of shape and starting from square one is just really hard. But I have done it before and I can do it again. I just want to get my life back under control which includes my body, mind and spirit. Day in and day out my life has been revolving around my baby and I need to remember to set time aside for myself too. I have been trying to be better about eating. I have been getting smoothies a lot lately which I love. Especially with a good amount of spirulina in them. I need to just get all the ingredients and make them at home. And I need to start cooking more often. I don't think I remember the last time I cooked. B has been sorta taking care of the dinner thing but he's a carnivore so it's hard sometimes. I am usually so exhausted mentally from sitting in front of a computer all day that I just want to sit around and chill when I get home. I think if I could get myself to the gym like 5 times a week just doing cardio to start with and cooking maybe twice a week, that would do wonders for my self-esteem and my spirit. I am prone to depression and I was actually shocked when I didn't develop postpartum depression. But I feel myself getting blue as of late and I just need to shake things up and become proactive. I want to set a good example too for my little guy. He has started eating solids so I want to put myself in a good place nutritionally so that we can eventually share meals. Right now he eats bananas cut in half, small sweet potatoes whole or baked wedges, broccoli and apple sauce. I need to do some grocery shopping for him soon so that I can continue to give him a variety of things to eat. We just give him finger food type things. We are skipping purees except for apple sauce. And I have been feeding him almost exclusively organic except for that one time I was eating canteloupe and he just seemed like he wanted some. Oh well! Anyway, little man will be 7 months on the 22nd! Hoorah!

Control Pantyhose are a girl's best friend

So between work and the baby, I am finding it so hard to squeeze in exercise. I wanted to have lost all my pregnancy weight by now but after I pick up my little one from daycare and come home, all I want to do is hang out with my family. I know, I know, I could just leave for 45 minutes and do a quick workout but I am just drained when I get home. Dinner, a movie and my two guys are all I want to do. So now I am a solid size 10, up from an 8. Some people can't notice but I can when I look at myself naked in the mirror. Oh what pregnancy does to the body. I feel so much pressure to get the weight off by springtime. Plus my best friend is getting married and wedding pictures are forever. If I could just take off 10 pounds by the end of May, I would be happy. It's totally possible to do in a healthy way, even with breastfeeding. But I quit Weight Watchers to save some cash and now I am wishing I didn't because all their online features and tools were really helping me. I am hoping if B and I get a little more stable I can join again by March. Okay, no more ranting. I don't want to think about my extra pounds right now.

A little over one month!

Saturday marked my little dude's 1 month birthday. B, the baby and I got professional shots done on that day, thanks to my doula's husband. It's hard to believe it's only been one month. Time seems to be moving very slowly actually. Currently I am staying at my parents' house with the baby for the Thanksgiving holiday week. My stay started out pretty good BUT earlier tonight my mom and I got into it for some reason. She felt the need to let me know about all the things I had supposedly done wrong this past year. It didn't take long for the waterworks to come and once they were on, they didn't turn off for like an hour or so. I mean I understand that she wanted to get things off her chest and dialogue but I don't think 1 month postpartum was really the time for that. I am still getting used to motherhood and between the sleep deprivation and the breastfeeding challenges I have had, I have been an emotional rollercoaster. I cry at the drop of a hat. And not to mention that there is a shift in hormones postpartum that affect a new maman's mood of course. My mom knows all this so I don't understand why she would open up a big emotional can of worms NOW... The discussion kind of ended abruptly when she said I couldn't blame her for something and she walked out. Then like an hour later she came back and acted like nothing had happened. I fear the winter holiday because I am already usually stressed out around that time when we visit our extended family in the midwest. But now with baby in tow AND unresolved issues with mom to boot? Recipe for disaster.... But I have to go because I just told my granny today that I was coming and she is so looking forward to seeing the baby along with my godparents and my godsister. So I feel really obligated to go and of course I only see them like once a year so I feel I must go. I mean, I miss them; they are my family. I am counting my lucky stars right now because I came really close to asking my parents if I could travel with them to the midwest, i.e. same flight so that they could help me with my little one. I think that would just be asking for trouble. I am not trying to tempt fate so I am just going to suck it up and go seperately. B and I are are still trying to see if he can come; I would love for him to come since alot of my extended family have not met him and it would be great for all of us to be together during the holiday. (Note: I don't really celebrate Xmas but I recognize it as family togetherness time.) Anyway, I am going to sign off for now and try to relax before my little guy wakes up. :)

3 and a half weeks later...

So I FINALLY have a moment to blog again. Motherhood has been quite the adventure so far. The few moments I have gotten for myself while the little one sleeps have been golden. But so far, I feel okay. Maybe a little overwhelmed and weepy but no depression. Sometimes while the baby is sleeping, I just look at him and I am amazed that I carried him in my belly for 10 months. And 5 of those months I didn't even know he was in there! LOL! Hence this blog. But I digress...He has such a personality. He is so strong and feisty! And he loves being held, like most babies. He is growing everyday; he was such a little guy when he was born, barely 6 pounds. We actually suspect that he was less than 6 pounds and the scale was off but we know for a fact that he was 6 pounds at his 1 week doctor's appointment. So many milestones in such little time...umbilical cord falling off, first checkup, first bath, first diaper change... He will be 1 month next week, I can't believe it. My body is feeling better and better everyday. The end of the pregnancy was so intense for my body. It feels so good going to the bathroom now...LOL! These are things most people take for granted. My worst physical complaint these days is probably sore nipples/breasts and a soft body. I am actually okay with my stomach, it's soft but it's pretty much shrunk down. Now I just need to start working out to get rid of these last 9 pounds of pregnancy weight and then some. I started out about 8 pounds over my personal ideal so I am ready to kick my butt in gear. I am equipped with a Pilates DVD, the couch to 5k program, my almost new sneakers and a brand spanking new ipod. I am eager to have an even better body than I did pre-pregnancy. I need to tone and tighten it up. I know it is going to be challenging but after giving birth naturally with no drugs I feel like I can acheive anything! I am even getting pretty good at one handed typing! haha! Who knew having breakfast, taking a shower, going to the bathroom or even checking e-mail would be such a challenge with a new baby???!!! Now if I could just get the hang of the baby wrap, I could get more things done!

Baby soon come

The above pics were taken when I was 35 weeks and 6 days. Still trying really hard to be cute. At this point, I am just so anxious because it is like the waiting game now. I will be 37 weeks on Wednesday and I am getting nervous, not because I am afraid of labor, but because labor could happen at any moment. I at least feel relieved that I will be considered full term on Wednesday and that the baby is in the right position, head down. My fears were that the baby would be breech and/or preterm. Now I am just waiting for him to make his appearance. I think I am going to try to make a "birthday cake" for the little one when I first go into labor. I am trying to figure out what type of cake to make. Gluten free and definitely vegan. I figure I can mix all the dry ingredients in advance and put it in the fridge or something. And then once labor hits, I can mix it all up and throw it in the oven. A nice little treat for me, B, the midwife and the doula once the baby gets here. And I guess indirectly a treat for the baby too since technically he will be having it through breast milk. I wonder how long my labor is going to be... It can vary so much; it's probably best not to even ponder that question. I will just go with the flow like I have been this whole pregnancy. I need to write thank you cards to everyone who came to the baby shower and also gave gifts for the baby. My money has been so funny lately and I really wanted to buy a set of thank you cards especially for the baby stuff. So I hope no one is offended! I plan on getting the cards when I get my next paycheck, October 1st. I also plan on getting a deluxe pedicure and manicure too! I want to look good for labor, LOL! I will probably start doing my hair once labor begins, well after I put the cake in the oven. It's good to be distracted and just do things around the house they say. I have read so many birth stories in Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I really liked the ones in Spiritual Midwifery...I want to be spiritually "high" when giving birth. I feel like people think I am nuts for wanting a homebirth and/or no pain relief meds but you know, they are on a different level of consciousness. I can't expect them to understand my choices and my decisions. Today I had an interesting encounter with my parents when they dropped off the bassinet along with some clothes for the baby. Let's just say that the 2 minute encounter probably raised my blood pressure temporarily. Le sigh... I am so bored today; I really had nothing to do except for sleep and barely eat. Nothing good on tv... I hope to make the best of my maternity leave. Take the baby for walks in the park, go to the breastfeeding circle at my doula's baby store, go the Baby Wednesdays at the local cinema... I also will probably try to spend at least 2 weeks at my parents in November. It may feel a little awkward but the idea of being in my childhood home, in the green suburbs of Connecticut, sounds nice. And I won't have to worry about cleaning up, food, etc... And my mom, being the grandma-zilla that she is, will probably come home from work around 3:30-4pm and be excited to spend time with the baby. When I spoke to her on the phone today, she said she would get their treadmill repaired so I could use that while I am there. I told her I would be more inclined to come visit with the baby if the treadmill was in working condition. I NEED to be getting my little cardio in while I am on maternity leave. That with the pilates should be good until I am 6 weeks postpartum. At that point, I should be okay to start doing weight training and resistance again. But whatevs, I will cross that bridge when I get there. Okay so back to my boring Saturday...

Pregnant Fat Days

Ug...pregnancy is definitely putting me through the wringer in terms of body image. I swear my mother almost feels smug about me being pregnant because of course my body is changing and I am definitely softer than usually despite my regular gym attendance. It's just part of nature's plan. I was telling my best friend about my mom's whole attitude today. I told her that my mother is secretly laughing at me because her whole plan is that she be the sexy mom while I am the frumpy daughter who is carrying around weight from her pregnancy. When I told my mom that in a few months I would be working on the extra 10-15 pounds that would be laying around, she told me I was delusional for thinking it would be just an extra 10 or 15. I was like "Um WHAT?" I will be 30 weeks tomorrow and to date I have only gained 13 pounds. I am thinking that my weight will probably top off at 20 pounds but if it hits 25 pounds, that would still be within range for me according to my pre-pregnancy BMI. Normally new moms lose about 12.5-14 pounds after the birth. So even if I hit 25 pounds, I would not have more than 12.5 pounds left to lose postpartum. I also plan on breastfeeding and easing back into the gym with walking on the treadmill and the elliptical a week or so after the birth. Eventually I want to start running again and do a 5k in February. I just feel really vulnerable right now, I tell myself "well at least your face does not look fat". My mother says I look fat, B says I look like I am pretty much "all belly". I don't know who to believe... My downstairs neighbor said I look great, like one of those "sexy pregnant women". LOL. I just worry everyday, I don't want to be one of those women who just let themselves go after the baby and end up putting on MORE weight once the baby is born. I guess one of my biggest fears is losing control over my weight since for the past 2 years or so I have been really good about my weight and even have achieved new levels in terms of fitness. I was about 4 months into a new, intense fitness regime when I found out I was pregnant. It made sense because my body was looking more fit and toned everywhere except the belly. And my results were happening REALLY slow. I thought I could diet harder, workout harder, do more intervals or go back on a raw food vegan diet or do mostly green juices and the results would come. But alas, the Universe had other plans for me. :) It's still really hard though, as someone who has dealt with body image issues since 12 years old to just relax and let nature do what it has to do. I was appalled last week when I was on the treadmill and I discovered that running was no longer comfortable. Le sigh... Elliptical still feels fine and I have been doing my weight training twice a week theses days, three times a week was draining my energy. Since I am on vacation, I have been going to the aquatic exercise class in the morning the past 2 days. It's me and lots of elderly women and obese women. It's a great form of low impact exercise so I understand why the class demographic is what it is. And we use water weights so I definitely feel the burn. The key is to keep the weights well under the water and that's when you feel that burn and intensity. For now, I just keep telling myself that the fact that I am remaining active throughout this pregnancy will help my postpartum fitness/anti-fatness cause. I secretly want to be one of those moms who emerge 2 months after childbirth, slim and sexy. A girl can dream, can't she?