Balancing Act

So everyday I drop my little one off at the in-home care provider, I am torn. I want to be at home with him so bad but I need to work to support our family. I have been researching different opportunities and seems that the only solid and reliable job opportunities out there for stay at home moms are medical transcription positions. But that requires a training course that costs about 2,000 dollars. I could use my tax return refund for it but I don't know if I it would be prudent to blow it all on a training course in these economic times. I mean I would be investing in me and my family's future and the healthcare industry is always growing. It's a pretty recession proof job too; people (unfortunately) will always be sick and need care. Part of me thinks this is a great opportunity but than the other part of me is like "Dude, you've got a bachelor's degree and a master's degree! Are you crazy!" Motherhood sure is a balancing act. I mean just yesterday I got an initial phone screening interview for a position that I would LOVE to get. It would mean traveling up to 30% of the time though. International traveling. I want to find a career that I love but I also want to be there for my dear baby. Decisions, decisions. I want it all, you know? I don't think it's fair that in our society it's like I am being forced to make a decision about what will be my priority. My family will always be my priority but I also want to thrive as an individual in the world too. And having a steady salary and benefits are so important in this day and age. Part of me wishes I lived in Europe where healthcare is universal and people are expected and encouraged to take long vacations in the summer; in France it's normally 6 weeks!!! They really savor the idea of "working to live" rather than "living to work" which is all too familiar here in the United States. I am definitely a work to live type person. I rush home at the end of the day and savor the time with B and the baby. And I live weekend to weekend. It's always a sad time for me on Sunday evening when I know I have to face another week of work. Work is fine but I have such a wanderlust; I rather be living it up somewhere far, far away much closer to the equator. But alas, that is not my reality nor do I anticipate it to be any time in the near future. At this point I am just hoping to find a job that is salaried with benefits. If said job would also let me work from home a couple of days a week and give me at least 22 vacation days a year, that would be even better. Or better yet, how about someone just pay me a stipend every month just for living and breathing... Like 3,000 bucks a month or something. Yeah let me wake up from my dream of being a trust fund kid! LOL! Anyway, back to the daily grind. :)

Babies bring people together

I am realizing more and more that babies bring people together. I feel that my mom and I have bonded and are a lot closer than we were before since the baby has arrived. And I am suddenly in contact with friends from high school whom I haven't spoken to in years. Now there are three friends who I have been going back in forth with over e-mail. It's really nice. Everyone is really excited about the baby. And they can't believe I am a mom. I STILL can't believe it to be honest. I feel like I woke up one day and I was married with a baby! Everyone has just been so great; it's awesome. I need something to keep me going; this little guy is in the beginning stages of teething I think. Some people say it seems early (he's 3 months), but he is showing many of the signs. He grabs everything and puts it in his mouth. Last night he was yamming on a frozen towel; it was so cute. He has been pretty fussy at night too. He wasn't hungry or wet, just frustrated. He has been drooling a river lately; he can wet up a whole bib in no time at all! I thought I had more time before the teething began but obviously this guy is an early developer. He also has big feet and is "big" for his age. People keep telling me "he's big". I really can't tell because I haven't been around babies that much so I don't notice his size. He must be about 12 pounds now; he has a doctor's appointment friday so we will see how much this little monster has put on in a month! He definitely has a hearty appetite. I joke around with my mother and say that he is going to be big and tall like my brother. She said "not fat though". Yeah yeah, I just mean broad and tall then. Being a mommy kind of rocks... And I am enjoying meeting other mommies and having people smile at me and the young babe on the street and in the subway. What doesn't rock is the subway commute. It's okay but I just wish his daycare was like right next door to my job instead of 2 subways stops or a 25 minute walk! But people are really nice and they usually give me a seat once they see I have a baby strapped to my chest. I use the Moby Wrap and LOVE it! I am such a babywearer. I haven't put him in the stroller once. He has been in the stroller though with the childcare provider. They go to the park when it's nice out, i.e. 40 degrees or more and clear. Okay let me get back to work...

A little over one month!

Saturday marked my little dude's 1 month birthday. B, the baby and I got professional shots done on that day, thanks to my doula's husband. It's hard to believe it's only been one month. Time seems to be moving very slowly actually. Currently I am staying at my parents' house with the baby for the Thanksgiving holiday week. My stay started out pretty good BUT earlier tonight my mom and I got into it for some reason. She felt the need to let me know about all the things I had supposedly done wrong this past year. It didn't take long for the waterworks to come and once they were on, they didn't turn off for like an hour or so. I mean I understand that she wanted to get things off her chest and dialogue but I don't think 1 month postpartum was really the time for that. I am still getting used to motherhood and between the sleep deprivation and the breastfeeding challenges I have had, I have been an emotional rollercoaster. I cry at the drop of a hat. And not to mention that there is a shift in hormones postpartum that affect a new maman's mood of course. My mom knows all this so I don't understand why she would open up a big emotional can of worms NOW... The discussion kind of ended abruptly when she said I couldn't blame her for something and she walked out. Then like an hour later she came back and acted like nothing had happened. I fear the winter holiday because I am already usually stressed out around that time when we visit our extended family in the midwest. But now with baby in tow AND unresolved issues with mom to boot? Recipe for disaster.... But I have to go because I just told my granny today that I was coming and she is so looking forward to seeing the baby along with my godparents and my godsister. So I feel really obligated to go and of course I only see them like once a year so I feel I must go. I mean, I miss them; they are my family. I am counting my lucky stars right now because I came really close to asking my parents if I could travel with them to the midwest, i.e. same flight so that they could help me with my little one. I think that would just be asking for trouble. I am not trying to tempt fate so I am just going to suck it up and go seperately. B and I are are still trying to see if he can come; I would love for him to come since alot of my extended family have not met him and it would be great for all of us to be together during the holiday. (Note: I don't really celebrate Xmas but I recognize it as family togetherness time.) Anyway, I am going to sign off for now and try to relax before my little guy wakes up. :)

The Belly has peaked!

No I have never seen a foot stick out like that on my belly. But I have seen other things indicating lots of motion, rolls and squirms. :) I am 33 weeks today and I think my belly is as big as it's going to get. I would have thought my belly would have been monstrous by now, but apparently not. It still a pretty small belly to be 8 months along. I guess it's just my genetics. I know the baby isn't underdeveloped; he's 4 pounds and 3 ounces as of Monday. And he's head down so he's ready for takeoff! It's getting down to the wire and it's kind of crazy that we will have a little boo chilling in like 7 weeks. I have to start getting/ordering all the supplies for the homebirth. My doula is probably going to let me use her birth pool from her store just to try it out. She says she knows that I am going to have a beautiful birth. I think so too even though my mom and my grandmother have launched full on war against my homebirth. I am not really letting it get to me though. They should respect my choice, end of story. I don't plan on discussing it further with either one of them. I had a 5 minute discussion with my grandmother on saturday about it. Boy did she bring the drama! "Your mom told me some disturbing news..." Save it for the stage Granny! Anyway, I haven't heard from her since. I think when I brought up the whole water birth thing, that just pushed her over the edge. My mom knew what she was doing when she told my grandmother. I wasn't even going to tell my grandmother because I knew she would panic and worry herself sick. So my mom launched the sneak attack by tipping her off, knowing damn well she would call me and bring the drama. Unfortunately for my mom, that little stunt is definitely not enough to dissuade me from my planned homebirth. It will go ahead as planned. B and I love our midwife; she is a real sweetie and she keeps it real. I love her nurturing/bossy side too. I was cracking up when she schooled B about how it wasn't just me having the baby, but "we" who were having the baby, hence his attendance during my prenatal exam was mandatory. You should have seen his face, so classic!

Family Dinner Time

Yesterday B and I headed to Connecticut to have an early dinner with my parents and my brother. It was really great. My mom was saying that she doesn't want to be called granny. She said the baby is going to call her "mere" and my dad "pere". My dad didn't agree, LOL! My mom even found a bassinet which was really nice since the baby will probably be sleeping in the bedroom for quite sometime. My brother has even agreed to babysit! Will see how that goes...I can't really imagine him changing diapers. I asked my mom if I looked fat...and she said I did! I was like "Um...okay". That is only going to make me work harder in the gym NOW and after the baby is here to get back in shape, better shape than I was before I got pregnant. The topic of winter holiday came up and I know I definitely want to go to Chicago in December because it would be the first time that many of my extended family will see little Bojangles. I know Granny is going to go bananas for him, her first great grand child.
On another note, I am in the process of interviewing homebirth midwives. I have decided that hospital birth is not for me, and if this pregnancy remains low risk, I intend on bringing little Bojangles into the world at home in a small pool of water. B is all for it and will be present to interview with all the midwives. More on that to come...